For so many people, especially the young adults, when we think of love, our minds often drift to the cinematic: The grand gestures, the sweeping declarations, or the electric spark of new attraction. But as relationships mature and the initial “honeymoon” phase settles into the rhythm of daily life, a different, quieter virtue emerges as the true backbone of a lasting bond; that virtue is consideration.
If love is the engine of a relationship, consideration is the oil that keeps it from grinding to a halt. It is the practice of holding another person’s reality alongside your own, and ensuring that their feelings, their needs, and their boundaries are woven into the fabric of your decision-making. And as the saying goes, the purest form of love is not just a feeling; it is the active, consistent habit of consideration.
The Structure of Consideration
Consideration is often times confused with kindness or politeness, but it goes much deeper than that. While kindness can be a reaction to a moment, consideration is a proactive state of mind; it is “anticipatory empathy.”
To be considerate means you are paying attention to the details; it is the ability to look at a situation and ask, “How will this affect them?” before you act. It is the husband who realizes his wife has had a draining day and quietly handles dinner so she can rest. It is the friend who remembers a specific boundary you set months ago and respects it without being reminded. It is the constant awareness that your life is intertwined with another’s, and your choices have echoes in their world.
Love as an Intellectual Effort
We often talk about love as something we “fall” into, implying it is an accident of emotion. But, consideration proves that love is also an intellectual and disciplined effort. To truly consider someone, you must step out of your own ego, an act that is much harder than it sounds, but when you can do this, you learn to live freely, too.
Human beings are naturally self-centered; we see the world through our own eyes, filtered by our own desires and stresses. And so to be considerate requires us to pause that internal monologue and inhabit someone else’s perspective; it asks us to consider their past traumas, their current workload, and their future aspirations. When someone considers you, they are essentially saying, “I see you so clearly that I am willing to adjust my behavior, my decision, or my move to protect your peace.”
Consideration pays attention to detail; this is where the purest form of love reveals itself. You can buy someone an expensive gift without really knowing them, but you can not be truly considerate without deep observation.
Consideration lives in the small things:
- Refilling the car with gas because you know they have an early meeting tomorrow.
- Lowering your voice on a phone call because you know they are focusing.
- Checking in on a day that you know carries a heavy anniversary for them.
These are not always grand acts, but they are evidence of a high level of regard. They prove that the other person is not just a background character in your life, but a priority who is constantly held in high regard when decisions are made.
Consideration: The Foundation of Trust and Security
In any bond, any type at all, the level of care is found in the level of consideration. And why is that? Because consideration creates psychological safety. When you know that your partner, friend, or family member is consistently considering you, you do not have to be on high alert. You do not have to constantly defend your boundaries or “fight” for your needs to be met, because you know they are already being factored into the equation. And this creates a profound sense of security. You can relax into the relationship, knowing that even when you are not there to speak for yourself, your interests are being protected by the person who loves you.
And just as much, a lack of consideration is very very much the “death by a thousand cuts” in a relationship. It is not usually one big betrayal that ends a bond; it is the cumulative weight of feeling forgotten, the realization that your feelings were not even an afterthought in the other person’s decision-making process.
Living a Considerate Life
If consideration is the purest form of love, how then do we learn to practice it more deeply? It starts with curiosity. We must stay curious about the people we love, realizing that their needs and feelings evolve.
The Pause: Before making a choice, whether it is as small as what to eat or as large as a career move, pause and mentally “check in” with the other person.
The Observation: Make it a goal to notice one small thing each day that affects your loved one’s well-being.
The Validation: When you do act considerately, do not do it for praise. Do it because the health of the bond is its own reward.
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Conclusion
At the end of the day, my dearest readers, we all want to be seen. We want to know that in a world of eight plus billion people, there is someone who holds our heart and our humanity in their hands and handles them with care.
Consideration is the most tangible proof of that care; it is the bridge between “I love you” and “I value you.” By making the effort to think about how things make our loved ones feel, we move beyond the surface of romance and into the depths of true, enduring devotion.
