So I watched a video on Instagram but not so recently where Non-Fungible Frank said “Self awareness can be a paradox, because sometimes it can be difficult observing the authentic self, not fully knowing whether it is self that is being observed or the observer of self,” and I’ve been thinking about it a lot for the past 2 days, because I have been trying and doing something that I will discuss in another article but the point is to do better and be better everyday, and we can both agree that for the purpose of self improvement, self awareness is very very important.  

Self-awareness can be a strange thing; it’s like trying to catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror that keeps moving fast. Sometimes, I think I understand who I am, and then, the moment I try to analyze it, I lose it; I’m wondering if you ever feel that way, do you? Like when you sit down to reflect, or practice self-introspection, but the more you observe yourself, the less sure you are of whether you’re seeing the real you or just the version of you that knows it’s being watched?

This paradox, like almost every other paradox, fascinates me. I can remember that when I was younger, I tried to journal, trying to map out my thoughts and emotions to understand myself better, but at times, I would wonder: Am I writing down what I truly feel, or am I subconsciously creating and organizing my thoughts just for this sake and because I know they’ll be read back? Even if it’s just by me? And many times this is the same way we act in front of others; there’s always that voice in the back of our minds monitoring what we say, how we move, how we’re being perceived. And I wonder when do I stop performing? Even when I am alone, and am I still playing some kind of role?

The Observer And The Observed

Think about it, when you close your eyes and try to listen to your thoughts, who is doing the listening? If I am thinking, then I must be the thinker, but if I can also step back and observe those thoughts, then who is the observer? And if I observe the observer then what?

This loop, like I said, has been fascinating to me and has kept me up late at night the past 2 days. I remember very very vividly just last night, sitting on my bed, staring at the ceiling, asking myself, in a very funny manner “What is the real me?” The me, that’s thinking? The me that’s questioning? Or the me that’s aware of both? And even as I’m writing this article, I’m smiling, I still find it very funny.

It’s a slippery thing, right? But you see this self-awareness; it’s necessary for growth, yet the more we dig, the more we realize how hard it can sometimes be to point at and pin down our ‘authentic self.’ Hence back to the paradox  “Self awareness can be a paradox, because sometimes it can be difficult observing the authentic self, not fully knowing whether it is self that is being observed or the observer of self.”

During these 2 days of paradoxical thinking of being the observer and the observed I have come to a conclusion as to how to try to navigate this paradox by shifting my focus. Instead of constantly analyzing whether I’m being authentic, which I believe I always am, I will always be truthful and honest in all I say and do not just for myself but for others too, and this conclusion brings to mind the book I’m currently reading, RIGHT THING, RIGHT NOW by RYAN HOLIDAY. 

Now that I write this, I realize it is in those moments when I am lost in something like laughing with a friend, completely absorbed in a book, creating something without overthinking? That’s when I feel the most like myself. When I’m not observing, just experiencing, and you see this, this is really the authentic me, my authentic self. And this too brings to mind what a very good friend once told me, “Maybe the truest self is the one that emerges when we stop trying to find it.” That stuck with me, maybe we don’t need to be so obsessed with identifying whether we’re the observer or the observed. Maybe both are part of us, and the real magic happens when we let go of the need to spend all of our time like I have been doing these past 2 days, to pinpoint, yes very very much so self-awareness is important and we have to define it, we have to actively watch our thoughts process, catch them and investigate it, and even do I say it can be hard and paradoxical, we still have to actively define it, define who we are or want to be, so we have to actively do the work.

Why we do our exercises, work and meditations, day in and day out is to keep these lessons handy, we think about managing our tempers so that when we are provoked, we know how to respond. We make preparations for the twists and turns of fortune to make ourselves immune to the strokes of luck. We meditate on our mortality and the shortness of life in anticipation of that fateful day for us or for loved ones.

We keep all this top of mind–“at hand” so that we are not scrambling to deal with the difficulties, temptations and challenges of life. So that when someone bursts through our door to hurt us we’re not running over to a locked cabinet and fumbling with the key. Better, we want to be the fighter, the boxer, the one who doesn’t even need a weapon, because we’ve made it a part of us. That’s why we do this work!

Continue Reading: Why You Should Consistently Do The Work: Be The Boxer

Embracing the Paradox

So, practicing and actively doing the work is where self awareness leaves us. I don’t think there’s a final answer as regarding an ultimate destination, we have to continue, and maybe that’s the point. Maybe self-awareness is meant to be a paradox. We learn more about ourselves by questioning, but we also find freedom when we stop trying to grasp it too tightly.

What I do know is that we can hold both things at once, we can reflect on who we are while also allowing ourselves to just live. We don’t always need to dissect our every thought and action. Sometimes, it’s enough to just be in the moment, as long as you are honest, truthful, and just.

And maybe that’s the most authentic self of all, the one that is observing and being observed, the one that lives in between the thinking and the being. 

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Conclusion

I don’t know if you agree with me but in my opinion at the end of the day, self-awareness is both a gift and a puzzle. It helps us grow, understand, and navigate our lives, but it can also trap us in over-analysis, in the form of analysis paralysis. I think the key is not in choosing between the observer and the observed but in accepting that we are both or should be both. We are the ones thinking, feeling, and living and yet also the ones reflecting and questioning, and one of the beauty of life is in balancing these perspectives without losing ourselves in the search. So maybe just maybe the answer isn’t about finding a definitive ‘self’ but about embracing the fluidity of who we are in every moment, can and should be.

So by all means, practice self awareness, do better, be better.